she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I have fence marks all over my body
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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