just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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