Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
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