Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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