I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?