I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.