There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
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i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
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She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.