Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
