Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
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I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
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czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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