I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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