Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
