wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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