this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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