Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
