You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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