I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I got inside last night via doggy door
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
