I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
