Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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