we have pet lesbian snakes
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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