loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize