i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
