I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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