As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
