i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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