So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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