Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
