I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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