the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
