What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
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You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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