my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
