Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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