you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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