New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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