Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
