Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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