tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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