Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
