Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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