haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
