I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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