Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
