Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
