Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
