do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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