You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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