Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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