I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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