I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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