dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
