i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
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