Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
