i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
