Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
