4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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