I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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