I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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