Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
