Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
