Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
