I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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