yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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