I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
